I’m tired…

• of arguing
• of nagging other people
• of being nagged
• of working on meaningless projects
• of trying to find worthwhile projects
• of thinking worthwhile projects even exist
• of having the same week every week
• of dealing with money
• of dealing with politics
• of trying to be nice all the time
• of dealing with homework
• of learning stuff I won’t remember two days from now
• of writing notes that are thrown in the trash
• of having ideas that I can’t use
• of having the same problems every day
• of not being authentic
• of staying home
• of being bored
• of wasting time
• of sitting around
• of looking forward
• of looking back
• of imagining
• of seeing success
• of knowing stuff
• of doing things no one notices
• of not doing things everyone notices
• of hearing praise
• of being right
• of trying to help
• of being lazy
• of procrastinating
• of owning stuff
• of buying stuff
• of wanting stuff
• of caring about my social life
• of having mountaintops
• of falling off of mountaintops
• of empty words
• of lost causes
• of infighting
• of divisional drama
• of everyone’s own opinion
• of everyone’s high horse
• of always needing more
• of never breaking off
• of thinking about the same topics
• of coming to the same conclusions
• of taking too long
• of losing opportunities
• of expressing myself
• of being on my high horse
• of having my own opinion
• of being offended
• of caring about being offended
• of people acting superior than me
• of acting superior to other people

I’m not depressed or anything.  I just think there’s a point where you get worn out.  You really can only go so many years with the same stupid responsibilities, with the same stupid projects.

I’m sure everyone goes through this.  But what matters to me is that it’s happening to me.  I guess what I really want is a goal to work toward.  Something that “makes a difference”.  Not changing the world or anything.  If I could devote my time to helping just a couple of people a day, and make their lives better, that would be great.  Why is everyone so focused on what benefits them personally?  Why do we still worry about money, or work, or politics, or property?  Nearly every person that I saw today had their own personal motives for doing what they do.  And I work at a church.  Isn’t a church supposed to be a place where other people bless you?

Not everyone I saw is like that.  There are some great people who have sacrificed nearly everything just to help others.  But plenty of people, tired people, who are totally unaware of it, are just pursuing their own agenda, where they’re at the top of the list; just above impressing other people.

I really try to be nice and friendly around everyone I meet.  I try to avoid getting angry.  But I’m not perfect; there are times when I stay away from encouraging someone, or when I ignore bad things going on around me.  But I wish I could embrace every circumstance and help out someone. An existence where I live my life out of love would be the ideal existence.

That’s why I’m a Christian.  That’s why Jesus’ teachings strike a chord with me.  Jesus was the ultimate “lover”.  He helped people regardless of their need.  He invited people to him, and if they didn’t come right away, he was always waiting.  Such an attitude strikes me as being one of the ultimate truths.  Jesus recognized and understood that the life we’re given is more than a chance to pursue our own goals, but a chance to help others reach theirs.  To better others’ lives.  I don’t believe in Christianity because of the science of it (or lack thereof), or the evidence of it.  It’s not because my parents are Christian.  It’s because Christianity demonstrates a love that you find nowhere in nature.

This was supposed to be a rant, but it kinda shifted nature a bit. I hope it blessed someone. It sure blessed me to write it.